Looking back upon my youth, I can only recall one specific time that I ever uttered the words “I hate you” to someone else. Sadly, that someone else happened to be my own mother. I don’t recall the reason why I said it (though I’m sure it was a foolish one), but I do remember I was probably less than 8 years old. I guess you could chalk it up to the ignorance and idiocy of my youth as I didn’t quite understand nor recognize the sheer weight of those words, let alone their true meaning. My mother was quick to respond in kind with those very words as she left me in my state of anger. I don’t remember if I ever officially apologized for that incident, or if I told her I loved her afterwards, but I do remember the shame and remorse that I felt when I made the attempt to do so.
Long ago, when the Internet was relatively young and social media was still in its infancy, I used to frequent this website called Asian Avenue. It was essentially a community where you could create a profile page for yourself, upload pictures, and chat with other users. I suppose it was kind of like how dating sites are today, though I didn’t really use it for that purpose. (Okay, maybe I did sorta kinda meet my ex there, but that’s not important…) Webcams and digital cameras weren’t common electronic devices back then, so getting pictures of yourself uploaded onto the web was somewhat of a task. You either had to have a webcam or a scanner. I didn’t have a webcam at the time, but I did have a scanner. Unfortunately, I had a very limited selection of pictures of myself to scan and the ones I did have were quite dated at the time. Obtaining pictures of myself was mostly limited to those taken during special events like weddings or school portraits. Instead of waiting for the next of those to occur, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I turned off the lights in my room, placed a towel behind me to block out external light sources, and opened up the lid on the scanner. I pressed the scan button and tried to remain as still as I could while the light of the scanner slowly worked its way across the surface. I probably pulled 2 decent images of myself with that little endeavor. I remember also having a lot of fun manipulating the images by moving with or against the image sensor. As embarrassed as I am to admit to doing this back then, I suppose you could call that my first selfie.
There are things in my life that I admit are pretty easy to take for granted. I often overlook the simple things, such as waking up in a bed, having clothes to wear, food to eat, and a job that provides for my needs as well as some of my wants. The Lord certainly has provided and continues to provide for me despite my many failures as a man. Another thing I’ve found that I overlook is my family. My immediate family is in good health and relatively tight-knit. Until recent, we’ve pretty much all lived within the same area, with no one living further than a 15-20 minute drive away. I’ve had one of my brothers and his family living maybe 3-4 hours away at one time, but they’re back in the area now. As a relatively recent development, my oldest brother currently lives all the way in Ohio. However, even with these distances, we’ve mostly kept in touch and all continue to make it out for your usual holiday family gatherings.
I suppose having a close family is somewhat of a cultural thing, although I’ve felt that our family makes the extra effort to remain this way. Of course we’re not devoid of the occasional internal drama, but I think the fact that most of my family is saved plays a major part in holding it together. Even though I myself am divorced, I think I actually still have a decent relationship with my in-laws (former/ex-in-laws? Still in-laws? Not too sure what to call that now…) as I still visit now and then with the kids and help them out with various matters when I can. I would even say that my relationship with my ex-wife isn’t really one of bitterness.
The state of my family is just something that I don’t really think about because it’s always been there. Continue reading “Fitting My Puzzle Piece / Among “Greatness””
Quite a pairing of words. Sounds funny, doesn’t it? Can such a thing even exist? Well, I guess I would consider myself to be one, though I can’t say that this hasn’t been a recent struggle for me. There’s a lot of areas that I’ve been working on remedying as of late due to personal convictions I’ve been having.